right on, target

Think you're being funny do ya?

Love it. Embrace.

Extremities

This morning, I was at a field site at 9AM in Pacifica. The temperature was 39 degrees, and the wind was blowing blowing blowing. So not enthused about having to be there, the engineer and I sat in his big truck, waiting for the others. All together, we tried to stay in patches of sun as we walked through tall weeds, deluding ourselves that made a difference. The last huge wind storm toppled a Monterey Pine, which then crushed one of the abandoned buildings there. A shame really; the crushed side of the building had been home to one of the largest bee hives I have ever seen. Honeycomb was scattered everywhere, but there were no dead bees. By the end of the visit, I could not feel my hands. They were numb appendages, dry and cracked, that eventually began to burn in the car's warmer air.

Skip forward four more hours of work, laundry, and various phone calls, and you'll find me sitting in a leather cushion chair at the nail salon by my house. My arms and legs have been moisturized and massaged. My feet are up, toenails prettily painted. There is a pillow on my lap upon which my hands with pretty painted nails rest. Also on that pillow is a tiny heater, whose hum is soothing and who blows warm air on my hands.

I am asleep.

I wake and laugh with the ladies that work there. I kept emphasizing WARM. I asked if I could just sleep the night there. They laughed, shaking their heads.

Mt. Diablo, you vixen!

also? BRRRRRRR.

"..."

"It would be nice if morality were black and white, and sexuality were black and white, and right and wrong were clear as day and night, but they're simply not. Anybody who believes and experiences their life and doesn't have shades of gray in it doesn't live where I live and is simply not in touch with the reality of the human condition."

-Alexis Denisof

love moments in the past week or so...

her hair.

this photo.

their smit looks.

these people.

this boy.

So I says to meself

(scene? Target.
intent? A few random knick knacks for Christmas, a doily and some water.
conversation? See below.)

Me: Oooh, hey, that's a cute sweater. Pick that up.
Me: Oooh. Look at that notebook. It's recycled! Perfect for work. Get rid of those post-its. I'll get 2!
Me: Oooh hey, check this out. A red plaid flannel vest with a fur trim hood! Sure, it's a bit Forever 21, but whatevs. Put me in coach. I'm warm and COZY....
Me: I should try all this on. (time lapse) Sweet. Cuteness.

Me: Hmmmm...

Me: I didn't come in for any of this...I have a lot of sweaters and this one looks kind of young which makes sense since I picked it up in the kid's section. I should really stop doing that. Huh. $8. I don't really neeeeeed this..... (setting it down). Okay. Right. No go.
Me: And I definitely don't need TWO notebooks. $4? One is fine.

Me: Hmmmm....

Me: (holding red plaid vest with furry hood, face a little sad but contemplative) and I HAVE two vests already, and one IS red, although definitely not that cozy. Huh. $15. K. Um. Well. Shoot. (Puts down on random rack and runs away) (really).
Me: Phew. Away from temptation. I win! None of those were very expensive though.... but wait. (mental math) Dude. I just saved myself like $25! By not purchasing!

Me:.....


Me: So that's how that works.

hekyll and jyde

"Cancer Strength (Ace of Pentacles) To affect change in the world, we must first make that change in ourselves. It’s easy to profess what’s right and wrong, but not so easy to be an example of these convictions. There are periods in life when you must account for your behavior, and, even more importantly, your contradictions. A frustrating situation is currently offering you this opportunity. Refrain from controlling things and you’ll uncover an area of vulnerability. This area is asking to be developed, so “walk your talk” and be proactive in your efforts to change."

My initial response to this horoscope was "screw you!" followed by "sigh" and then a memory. When I was at summer camp, I tie-dyed this shirt I had that was old and tattered, a real favorite. The shirt said, written every which way in the funky early nineties fashion, "To really make change, you must first change your mind." At the time, 8th grade me considered myself enlightened and profound, thoughtful and deep. Now, in photos, it just looks like a slightly idealistic baggy tshirt.

That summer at camp, we would sneak through the fence to the creek, and Teddy would have his guitar (he played so incredibly well). A group of us would hang out by the barely flowing water, not really doing anything aside from being together, and I lay there, staring up at the waving leaves of cottonwood. The sound of the leaves, all blowing and rustling, was poignant and drifted in and out of the guitar sound. Me to myself: "Remember this."

(remembering)

Update:

and so he's gone to Austin

(but he'll be back)

Secret Identities

by dayby night