Ripe Fruit: metaphorically speaking

Last week, in my writing class, we discussed the metaphor. Coming up with creative ways of discussing one thing in terms of something else is difficult, and I must admit that I bungled a bit, made up some bad "defnitions" before stumbling on to something appearing metaphoric. Our instructor passed around a sheet in class with examples of "very very bad metaphors" and similes on it. I grinned as I read the entire thing, and then some made me laugh out loud. For your pleasure, I selected a few of my favorites:

"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."

"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you are on vacation in another city and 'Jeopardy' comes on at 7pm instead of 730."

And my most favorite:

"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."

So, I implore you. Hit me with your worst metaphor. Bring it. Bring it exactly as someone timid wouldn't.